Being Real

I have not been into blogging this last year...obviously. 2010 was a hard year for Nick and me, and I suppose I've been avoiding the blogging world.

My grammar girl is coming out in me - I recently learned that you would not use "I" in the previous sentence, as you would not say, "It was a hard year for I". You only use "I" when it is appropriate (e.g., "I went to the store" or "Nick and I went to the store", not "Nick and me went to the store"). And yes, inner grammar girl - I know sentences should never start with "So, And, or But", but it works sometimes, okay? AND I will be using it in this post!:)

I should have become an English teacher. Oh well, maybe in the next life.

Anyways, back to my pity party. 2010 was not the greatest. I've debated a while on whether to share this or not, but I think it might help others, so here it goes. Below is a post of last April's blog that I never posted. I kept it just as a draft for myself; but it's been on my mind lately. Maybe because we have yet to have a successful pregnancy. Or maybe because God wants me to share my story. So here it goes:

April really did bring my life some showers, literally and figuratively. I know God has a plan for me, and His will is the best path for my life to take, so I am trusting in Him and am comforted. I am going to blog now about something life changing. Maybe some will think that this should be kept private, but I blog because I want to chronicle Nick's and my life. I would also like to share it with family and friends along for the ride, but mainly it is for us and our future children. Nick and I were pregnant. We found out in early March and were so excited. We were trying to wait for the 10 week ultrasound before making an announcement, but we couldn't contain our excitement and did tell some family members and close friends. We were waiting to go to Arizona to tell the family down there in person, but the Monday before we left, we went to the 10 week ultrasound appointment. As I was sitting in the waiting room with Nick, I had such an anxious feeling. I wasn't excited, I was nervous. I had nervous butterflies. We both had some anxiety over the pregnancy since the beginning, but chalked it up to typical pregnancy worries. 10 minutes later back in the exam room, my doctor kept rolling the doppler device over my abdomen, but no heartbeat could be heard. My doctor tried to reassure me that it can be normal because my heartbeat can drown out the baby's, but she went to track down the ultrasound tech. 5 minutes later the ultrasound tech tries the abdominal u/s, but immediately tells me we have to do a vaginal u/s. I go in the bathroom to change and I felt like all my intuition about this was coming true. I shook my head in the bathroom. I knew what was coming and it wasn't good news. A few minutes later I saw the sac on the screen and I knew something was wrong. At first it looked like the sac was empty. Then the u/s tech changed the position and I could see a tiny profile of the body, but it was tiny. The tech was a woman in her mid to late 40's. She had a calming and caring sense about her that I liked. She is a gentle soul. After looking at the sac, she went to my ovaries to take some measurements and pictures. I knew that she was waiting until she had everything she needed before giving us the news. Then she said, "Well I don't have good news for you guys today". She explained that the baby looks like he was 6-7 weeks old when he stopped growing. She could not find a heartbeat and since I should have been almost 11 weeks by that point, it was clear that the baby died a few weeks ago but I never miscarried.


That was my post back in April that I never posted. I cry right now reading it. I haven't read it in a while. It brings back the emotions. As hard as that was to go through, I know that God has a plan for Nick and me, and that plan may not include having children. I have always been worried that bearing children may be a problem for me. I also have always been able to sense things (a gift that my Grandma also had) and I even told Nick when we started dating 10 years ago that I was afraid that I might be unable to have children. We have had a positive pregnancy test since then, but again, it didn't come to be. It's been 2 years since we started trying. We started trying because of a dream I had on Easter morning. I know the dream was a vision from God. I don't know if the vision will come to be in this life, but I do know I was meant to have that dream. Nick and I went to church (for the first time together in a long time) the following Easter when we were pregnant last year. Although we lost the baby, we are still going to church on a regular basis and I know that it has helped us as a couple, and more importantly, individually. God is a part of our life, everyday. I think it is true to say that I have been the one, since my "God moment" in Arizona, that has been the spiritual one out of the two of us. But now I see Nick leaning on God more and more. It has been an amazing transformation to see Nick have that personal relationship with God that I have had. He used to say his prayers so formally. Now he talks with Him like he is his friend. He is our friend, He is our Dad. You can talk to Him and say whatever is on your mind, whether right or wrong. Trust me, He can take it. He wants you to reach out to Him. He can and will comfort you, if you ask.

I KNOW that my Father's plan for me is better than what I have planned. I want children, yes. But my wants are sometimes not what God has planned for me. And I am okay with that. I am okay with that because I can look back on my life and see some of my past "wants". And they were not good. I met Nicholas because my Father intervened in "my" plans. I know that His will is so much better than I could ever want, so I am going with it. Whether it is to have my own children, or adopt children, or maybe His plan has nothing to do with us having children, I am relieved that He is in control of it all, and NOT ME. Alleluia! Thank you Father! Thank you for also encouraging me to share this. I hope it helps someone out there. I love you Father, and I love each of you who is reading this. I also love my FAITH. I have a strong faith in our God and I will be so very happy when I am in His presence. I actually can't wait for that day to come. May God bless you abundantly!